sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
