My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
