Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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