You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
