Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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