Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
