she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The power of my boobs compel you
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
