I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Four minutes until I can fart!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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