The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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