the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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