Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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