kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i think im in europe. pls send help
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
