your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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