My girlfriend figured out who you are.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
