I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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