Someone shit on the floor
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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