I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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