I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
