The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
