she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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