On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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