Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
