I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
