Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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