I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
