Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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