he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
