I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
