you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
