Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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