i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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