I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
