i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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