Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
