So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
