I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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