hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
