she woke up with a sticky ear
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
