My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
