I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
