So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
