She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
