Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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