I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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