So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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