I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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