Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
