I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
