I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
