Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
