How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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