...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize