my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
