Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This is my gift to your gina
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
