Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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