There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
