Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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