If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
