dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
