FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
