All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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