she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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