Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
