I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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