he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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