9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
