It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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